For you I would
by Kelpie the Thundergod
Summary: I had to try. I stood and loaded the gun, already heading towards the steel door. For you.


**For you I would**

Disclaimer: I don't own Trigun. "For you I would" is a poem by Robin Thurston.

A/N: Beta'd by the lovely Celesma :)

_For you I would__  
– __Drag my tattered__  
__baffled army one more ambush __  
__bear the anguish of their jokes__  
__convincingly rebuke __  
__the shortened stained__  
__bandages that fought__  
__so well for me__  
__  
_I remember the gun's surface gleaming in the last light of day, reflecting the golden glow. It painted twisted shapes on the steel.

I was cleaning the weapons. I hate doing that.

It is necessary, yet often leaves me feeling dirty from more than gun oil.

For that reason, the thought that this was probably one of the last times I would have to do that was also a comforting one. Though I guess it would have worked better if I didn't tell myself that every time I pulled the trigger.

These weapons would probably outlive me – a mocking, bitter thought indeed. It made me smirk. Maybe they'd blow up in some arrogant bastard's face.

I studied the piece of metal in my hand: the hand-gun was almost stainless, while the Punisher was full of marks and scratches. Battered and used, yet merciless. It was fitting, I guess.

The gun weighed heavy in my hand.

_Not yet. It's not yet done.  
_

I sighed, feeling heavy with dread. I had no time for this. I had something to do.

I had to get you free; it would all go to hell otherwise.

For some reason, Knives had let me live. Maybe he really did think me useful. Maybe I just added to his twisted amusement.

Either way, it had worked out for me to this day. The same way this cursed body worked for me. At least, I could turn that to my advantage now.

I had to try.

I stood and loaded the gun, already heading towards the steel door.

For you.

– _C__hallenge the madman__  
__to shoot with his dark, impromptu gun__  
__advance along the crumbling edge __  
__of his sudden love for me__  
__satisfy his need to stop__  
__me from stopping__  
__  
_I better not tell you how many times I wished I could kill him. I wished I _had_ killed him. I know you don't want to hear that, but it would have been so much fucking better.

He still believes that I'll abandon you.

Because I'm human. The thought satisfies him, I guess. Sick bastard.

Then, I had this idea: maybe, if he were to kill me, it would speed up your decision to blow him into space. But I couldn't be sure. And I didn't trust myself. I have failed on this before.

Also, he's an ass. He wouldn't have spared me if he didn't have plans for me. He wants me to keep going, you know.

So, I decided that I _would_ go. Away.

For you.

I swear, if I had known you'd follow me and stampede and cry and fuss all over the place, I would have tied you to that bed and hit you so hard, you'd have forgotten you'd ever known me.

– _Kiss the melting leper__  
__hold his forehead sealed__  
__against my brilliant__  
__mouth fresh from your wrist__  
__let his tears fall into __  
__all the eyes I have__  
__  
_For you, I would try not to kill. That's what I decided then. It's gonna be a bitch, though. Just wanted you to know that.

Actually, with the next person I'll have to face, "not killing" is gonna be pretty easy. Relatively speaking.

I _need_ him to be alive. It'll hurt him like hell, but I have to make him go through it.

I'll face this.

If only I'd met you sooner. Then I would have known not to make excuses.

_And I would never deviate_

_never expend my brief_

_fingers trafficking with the sly_

_sad stones that mutter_

_like engrossed children_

_behind the cupboard door_

I can't deny that I would kill for them. I have. But maybe, if I could have stayed by your side, I could have changed. Not enough to find salvation, but enough to look them in the eye again and not feel as guilty. That doesn't matter now, of course.

Still, I would have tried. If things had been different. I wanted you to know that.

You once called me a coward. Yet you also said, "You can change."

_For you I should likely_

_stay alive_

_knowing somehow that you_

_expect it_

For you, I would like to stay. Damn it all to hell and so on. Try and make it through this.

It's just not likely, you see?

I should have stayed, for you. But what did you expect?

It's enough for me now to have you know: I would have tried. If things were different.

I would have.


End file.
